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2005-08-02 || 8:00 p.m. i still think that i'm bad luck. that i bring bad luck to those around me. my family, friends, loved ones. i can't help but think that. i'm trying real hard not to think that way because i don't want to drag anyone along with me! my grandfather told me just now that if you think it, it somehow will happen. if you think bad things it will happen. if you think good things that too will happen. i'm sick and tired of being a negative paranoid fucked up person. i'm sick and tired of thinking that bad things happen because of me. it's not enough that i'm a decent man. i have to become better. i want to be a better son. i want to be a better brother. i want to be a better grandson. i want to be a better friend. a better student. a better boyfriend. a better lover. in the future when i am, i want to be a better husband and a better father that i think i will be. so i'm going to make this resolute. i will not think bad thoughts about others. i will not want bad things to happen to others. i will not hear bad things and i will not say bad things. i know bad things exist. i don't want to be naive. instead i want to be more forgiving, more understanding. i want to be more loving and trusting. i want to be more healthy too. i don't want my life to be shadowed with too much bad thoughts or deeds. if others are evil, let others live their own evil life. as long as i'm not evil. that's not enough! i'll only accept evil in all its forms if evil does not strike upon my loved ones. when my loved ones are threatened by evil then i shall become evil itself. until then i want to be a better man. i want to be better. from now on all is good and will always be good. i'll make sure of it. i will always try to look on the brighter side of life and be thankful for my blessings. to still have people that love and care for me. i won't let them down. this means you.
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