2005-08-11 || 9:19 p.m.
.layer//TWISTED

Yeah! I'm actually glad today. I received the letter from UCL so I'm not in the dark anymore. Last night I didn't really sleep had some really long talks with mum cause I told her some things and my sis did too.

But anyway, I'm keeping my promise! I'm trying to be happy. I'm smiling as I write this. In fact I've been smiling so much, it's starting to hurt as much as it hurts down hear *points to heart*

I have a theory. I'm still happy by the way, or at least I'm smiling.

My theory is, that whatever I touch, turns to dust. Sooner or later anyway.

I don't want to think like this, but I can't help it :( from the beginning I've always thought of myself as some kind of a jinx. I feel that I attract bad spirits or luck or whatever.

But now I don't think that's the case. I think it's me. Somehow, doesn't matter how hard I try, I end up either hurting someone or making the situation worse.

I think it would be best if I keep my mouth shut, but I'll keep smiling? Well I know for a fact that I still want to live and trying to commit suicide is the last thing on my mind. In fact it's not even on my mind anymore.

So I want to live. However, I feel that I'm seriously bad bad bad. I'm not saying I kill people or lie or cheat or use people or anything. IT'S ME!

I don't know why. I think I'm saying the right things, I think I'm doing the right things... but why is everything crumbling as it is?

Life sucks but I love it. Now how can I make life less suckier. I should just mind my own business. I will study hard. I'll do my job. I'll smile. I won't, no I'll try not to get in anyone's way. I'll try to not make things worse.

Okay. Is that good enough? I'm not going to tell anyone I've got problems. My friends or whomever. This blog really is my solitude. Here I can complain and complain and write and write and not make things worse! :)

YAY! I'll do that!

I'll do my best not to be a lazy bum. I'll commit to myself that I will study and do better. I'll commit to myself that I'm there for anyone who needs me. I'll commit that I'll do my job as a son, as a brother, as a boyfriend, as a friend, everything. And I won't say anything to anyone.

This blog will be my wall of fucked up rage and sadness. Am I doing the right thing?

I don't know! I need help. I think I'm doing the right thing again... but I've been proven wrong about this before. And wrong again. What if by doing this I'm making things even worse?

Doesn't anyone have the answer? God, are you there? I need help.

. . . I hereby announce that I'm really a good guy. I want to believe I am... but somehow I always make things worse. I hate that. Why? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

I love who I love and I'm not changing that. How can I prove that I love you? All of you. I'm never enough. Sometimes I am, and I'm recognised. When I do good and people acknowledge that, I'm the happiest person on earth!

That's never enough is it? Apparently I can't make it better just by thinking about it or good will alone. When I screw up, people don't think that I don't mean it :( people think: oh you're such a bastard! Saying this and that, doing this and that!

I'm only trying to do my best. For everyone, really. There's not just one you here. There are a lot of yous :) but don't worry you guys! I'll be better. I'll punish myself whenever I disappoint anyone. I'll see to it that I really do my best to please everyone.

I'm scared but I have to do this. I love you all. How I wish everyone I know would know and understand that. Until then I'll shut up :') until someone truly understands what I'm doing, I'll shut up and do my best.

And with that, I'm on the path of living my mother's life.