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2006-01-01 || 2:10 p.m. They went back round 3ish and... well I went to bed. For once in a fucking long time, I had a dream. Usually my sleeps are dreamless. So I should be more excited about this. Which I am, in a way. Interpreting the dream, however, is way way out of my league. Right, the dream. I'm calling it dreamare because technically it was also a nightmare. 50-50. This is none of those scary-monster-shit-horror-whatever nightmare. This is really, really deep. Right, okay. So, I dreamt I saw this ex-crush of mine. She was a dear friend, really. I once thought of her as one of my good friends (along with a few others). Usually, my dreams are kinda vague, as in when I wake up the next morning I can't remember what it was kind of thing, you know? Okay, so I saw this ex-crush and we were actually in the London Underground. I think it was one of those Central Line trains, I remember the trains damn it! I don't know what the weather was like but I remember the train! I was already inside this carriage, standing up even though some seats were obviously available. We came to a stop. I would think it's somewhere near Tottenham Court Road as that's where I'm living now. So, the train... loads of strangers around and there she was, this really stunning, smart girl I used to know, stepping inside MY carriage. I averted my eyes to the now appearing newspaper in my hands (where the fuck did that come frome!?) but in that split second she noticed me. It was too late, she noticed me and I (clumsy as ever) fumbled and almost fell. (Un)luckily, she caught me :/ It was awkward. Totally awkward. Why? Well, true believers, when we were friends in college around 3 years ago, we were really good friends. Talked about everything and anything. We seem to have hit it off, we were smart enough people, funny (lame) enough, charming enough (hey, not trying to blow my trumpet here, but I was, if nothing, charming. She was also very charming). God, I thought I finally found someone who understands me. Who accepts me for who I am! I didn't have that many friends then, I don't have that many friends now. I was lucky enough to have someone to talk to about things. We talked a lot, spent a lot of time together (BA-DUMP) or with our friends. That BA-DUMP you just read, was how my heart jumped everytime I talked to her, saw her, even thought about her. Yes, kids. I believe I was falling in love with her. How great was that? To fall in love with your good friend. Wow. Never in a million years would I thought of that ever happening to me. I was, mind you, a shy guy (still am -boink) and just came out of an all boys high school. To me, college life was paradise! Wasn't too smooth with the girls but hey, I was only starting. I'm a man. I'm not a player so when I like a girl, I only like one girl. When I have a crush, that's the only girl I think of and as too good to be true as it sounds, I never fool around with my feelings. My feelings are always true! Right or wrong, they're always true. Anyway, so this is still the background for the dreamare I had. I had a crush on my good friend. I tried to deny it, tried to think that we would be nothing more or less than friends. The more I thought like that, the more I thought: what if? What if she likes me too? What if we could be more than good friends? What if we could be the very best of friends? Quite some time after that, when I was in my second and last year of college, I brought up the courage (with the help of my mates and their damned mates, Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker etc) to tell her I liked her. ... okay now that would be lying. I texted her (was already in my room, wasted, room check, wasted) and told her I liked her. ... okay now that would still be lying because I texted her and told her I loved her! ... or was it falling in love with her? I honestly can't remember. Anyway, this is the blurry part. I think, I think! I went to see her later that same night. It got awkward, she wasn't alone, and... we talked for a bit... can't remember what because of the being high thing. I'm not entirely sure what happened, I don't know if she told me off nicely that night or the next day. As in, she said she didn't feel the same way, we're better off staying friends etc you know the drill. I think in the end of that conversation, I told her I love her. Man, talk about getting punished for being honest. There I was, being honest with my feelings, I DID NOT WHATSOEVER force her to think what I thought, feel what I felt. No, please don't think that. I simply expressed my feelings and come on, that doesn't have to mean that we either become a couple or break up as friends! If she felt the same way, good! If she didn't then... you know, I'm not gonna push it. And I didn't! Honest to God, after I was told that she didn't think of me the same way I thought of her, not once did I ever ask her again. I was happy enough just to remain her friend. Why do people have to be so fucked up to the point that they overthink things? I just wanted a friend, that's all. I didn't even get that. It became more and more awkward every single day. She started avoiding me when I've been nothing but the same friend as I was before. Sigh. What I didn't know is that some other guy was after her or the other way around. I don't gossip so I only know what I saw. It hurt me. Truly it did. It hurt me that my friend betrayed my trust, over something so small. Expressed feelings. Maybe I thought of her as a good friend but she only thought of me as just a friend, I don't know. What I know is that we stopped being friends at all. We never talked. She never told me what she was up to, never told me who she liked, never told me anything. Sigh. With that and the rest of the shit that's been going on with my life, I felt so lonely. Parents getting divorced, my good friends started to leave me one by one. They betrayed my trust and I don't think they appreciated my friendship as much as I appreciated theirs. I dealt with it though. With all that shit I still took my exams, I missed my grades for university a little bit but I still got accepted. I was proud and I was over her. I was over all of my problems. Crap, I've been dwelling in the past too much! Okay, back to the present. I don't think I'm over her completely. I think that a small part of me still wondered: what if? And I think that this part is gonna stay there forever. Right, the train. She caught me and I smiled. She smiled back. God, I'm a lame writer. Sorry about this folks. She. Smiled. Back. I said thanks, she said your welcome. Wait, this is total crap. Let me try to approach this a different way. I'm going to try and do this in dialogue with emotion brackets! him: (smiles) Thanks. -this is the awkward small talk bit where we ask each other how everyone was doing, what were we up to, this and that, the weather, the whole shazam- Crap, this is no good either. It sounds like a bad script from a bad movie, the story of my life. Okay, so we decided to sit together and talk. It was right out of a romance movie I tell you. Although I was a lot more fit and -cough a bit more sexy -vomit vomit. She was... still as I remembered her. Or at least how I would've liked to remember her. We got to talking, caught up and I told her I was living in this flat with my sister and that she should come by some time. See my place. Dreamlike as it was, she said she was free that day and she didn't have any plans so she asked if it was okay for her to drop by. Like, now. -bam bam BAAAAAAAM (cue mystery sounds) Haha, of course I said okay! I'm not an ass, people. So we went back to my place, I showed her around and... showed her my room. We sat by the bed and continued our conversation with a few glasses of wine. It got awkward again when I asked her what really happened 3 years ago. And this is the part where she actually told me and for some reason I couldn't hear her (duh, I don't know what really happened or why, I just know it happened!). Son of a bitch dreamare robbed me of the only thing I wanted to hear/know. Bastard. This, she told me though. She told me that she actually liked me and she was falling in love with me that time. And it got beautiful. And it got so romantic, the things she said after that, the things we did, that I found myself awake and tears ran down my cheeks. FUCK! This is a fucking dreamare. Oh, and the reality for today: I knocked my mobile and it fell to a freaking glass of hot chocolate I left on the floor. Kaput my mobile, kaput. Will continue discussion next time as Alex wants to know what my dream was about.
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